I want to be like those bible-carrying, rosary-wearing, churchsongs-singing people I see in church every Sunday. I think they seem happy.

Why? Because I need to know that someone else is looking out for me, that someone else is keeping an eye out for my family, that at the end of my life… I will go somewhere nice if I’m “good” enough. 

Now… looking at my previous attempt at a coherent paragraph… I’ve realized how many times I used the word “I”. Then it hits me again… there’s no one to pick up my slack for me.  I can’t keep praying to God when the next big problem comes to my life…heck, i don’t even want to be “that” kind of person, the kind of person who prays because of problems. I want to pray because I believe in it. Believe.

But believing is just too hard for me to do. How could I believe if I see the world? How could I believe when I see poverty in such a “religious” country? How can I believe in “equality” when I see injustice? How can I believe in “mercy” when your own religion tells you you’d burn in eternal flames if you don’t follow His teachings?

I want to believe. I want to be the girl I was before — the kind who doesn’t question, but follow. But I can’t anymore, because I rather have no faith than empty faith.

SO CONFUSED WITH MY LIFE.